fourtysixxxandtwo

As we rampage toward the exit, a married man dressed in a suit made eye contact through our peripheral. Before I could fully rotate my head to see who he was, I noticed he jerked his head suddenly as if he never noticed me. Because I am curious and I know my mind would not rest until I, at very least got a glimpse of who this man was, I spent the next 3 seconds looking for any signs that this man may be someone I know. Just as I am willing to give up and ready to weave through a seemingly uncaffinated crowd of transit riders, mainly “business folk” I caught his reflection in the window as he peered out into the harbour, and it was in that reflection we made eye contact. I think for a split second it would be appropriate to make the awkwardness a little for awkward and I would say hello.
I would say “hello, old friend, how are you”
Instead I remember all the times I see someone and do the same thing, and its not that I don’t care for the conversation, I simply don’t want to talk to anyone.
So I turn my music up and begin racing frantically, dodging humans as if they were bullets and taking corners along the corridor as if I were driving the Indy 500…
Only to make it seem like I was already running behind and didn’t notice this person I once knew…
In another life…
….
Today is another day.
Today is Friday.
Today is sunny.

All I can smell is the bakery next door baking things I shouldn’t eat. Right next to the bakery is a coffee shop. Every week day at 330 they begin roasting coffee beans, today however they started earlier than normal completely throwing my internal time clock off.
I am having a hard time being patient these days, and its getting worse as the days narrow down.
I want out of here, i am in dire need of a mental break.. Some time to re-gain sanity if you will…
A lot has been going on in the last couple of weeks. Mentally I have been all over the place. All sorts of highs and all sorts of lows..
Somedays, its like I forget who I am, and when I get like that I get scared and a certain amount of panic sets in and I feel as though the world is just going to crash around me…
Somedays I just sit, I stare at whatever happens to be in front of me and my brain doesn’t stop.
I think about things I don’t know why I’m thinking about. Things that are irrelevant to my life today. Things that have never happened but might and I think about what I want in life. I play these scenarios in my head and I have no idea why. Its not me being paranoid, its more like I want to be prepared…at either rate, why do I have the thoughts I have? Do I have nothing better to think about.. Surely I must.. And I do.. I think…
I am finding serenity in the guitar I play, the songs I (try to) sing. I am reading a lot. More now then at anytime in the last year.
I like reading.
It makes me think outside of the box, it takes away from the thoughts I have. It sends me on an adventure through someone elses life but I get to picture each scene as I read it and dont have to feel their emotions as they do..
It reminds me there are people out there in a worse place than I and I really should quit my bitching…
Reading is good.

Why is it weird to have sex with your socks on? Like who really cares! If it were cowboy boots, ok I understand, but socks?
Something else I find to be rather strange is the fact that dogs, regardless of age, gender, breed etc always chase their tail if u even so much as touch the damn thing.. Some dogs need a little tug I suppose, but it gets every fucking dog freakin out…I have basically come to the point in this realization that I walk by dogs tied to bike locks, tree’s or fences, I take a quick glance around to make sure no spiteful owner is watching and I touch the tail, if I have to I give a little tug, but generally I don’t have to.. The damn dog starts spinning before I know what to do… Try it.

……

I am getting annoyed.
Everything is irritating
Nothing seems like its enough.
When actually it is just fine.
Its the same as it is everyday.
But today..
Today is just another day.

I’ve got nothing more.
I want to sit and smoke some weed and play guitar. Its all I ever want to do. That and write. If only I was one of those lucky people who made some sort of income from doing such things…
I have pictures I can’t wait to share, its just annoying trying to get them onto my computer…

…..
I need (more) culture.
I need (more) life.
I need (more) substance.
I need (some) resistance
I need (some) excitement
I need (some) time.

…..
people are sitting in parks with iPads, watching movies..

What is this world coming to?

…today I will walk a different way…

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5 thoughts on “fourtysixxxandtwo

  1. You know sometimes I feel like you are inside my brain. That or you are a boy version of me, just exponentially cooler. I adore the fictitious worlds we get to escape to through books, I spend quite a lot of time there.

    I am happy you’re getting you reprieve and I hope you get your adventures. Every adventure is what makes life great.

    Thank you for sharing a glimpse inside your wonderfully complex and intriguing mind. I do believe its become one of my favorite places to hang out.

    Xx

  2. Holy smoke that was big. And it covered a lot!

    I don’t have an answer for the sex in socks thing. I don’t think it’s weird myself but… *shrugs*

    I can relate to everything being irritating. I can also relate to the feeling that I am not me. That I’ve lost myself. Sometimes I try to do it on purpose, which is what reading does for me, but that doesn’t panic me. It’s those out of the blue moments that have me clutching the side of my chair and wondering why my brain is whirring unecessarily. Like a guinea pig on a wheel… Continuously going round and round and never getting anywhere.

    But mmhmm for the bakery… Can you get high on the smell of baked goods? I’m sure I could if I put my mind to it.

  3. ipads. Watching movies in parks. Yes! I know! People don’t want to go out and enjoy nature any more. They’d rather distract themselves with gadgets and gizmos and tv and movies all the time.
    To this day, I refuse to wear even headphones (despite my immense love of music) outside. Because it distracts. I want to be able to soak it all up. To breathe in the natural world, even if it is within an inner city park. It’s still outside. The birds still sing. And I’d rather pay attention to them.

    As far as finding serenity in playing guitar and singing songs goes.. I hear ya, brother. I am in the same place with the piano. All of the sudden the music just comes together, and it is pure bliss.
    Too bad we are no longer in the same city. We could jam. It would be epic.

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