today has been hard..
my brain feels over worked in all the wrong areas.
I was at work today when I got a phone call from some one from my past. The guy that called me, I once considered a somewhat of a friend. When i broke up with my ex he was really the only person that was there for me, that wasnt a phone call. I never really liked the guy, I worked with him and we happened to live in the same part of town and had to take the same buses to work. We installed lawn irrigation in the summer 2006, and we were both fairly bitter about our jobs. He is, from what I remember, 10-12 years older than me but he lived like he was 18, and still does from what gather. In an attempt to make something of myself, I left that job to further my career in the music industry. This eventually lead to constant traveling and we lost contact. One day when I was home for a break between tours I ran into his (ex) wife and she informed me they had not been together for a little while, mainly due to his life style choices and being the age he was. I can’t say that I blame her nor did I really care. They were two people I once knew but was never close with and I left it at that. For some reason she found it important to try to be my friends after that. Again, I was never home nor did I care so we never really talked and eventually I forgot that they ever existed, and that was that.
So the phone call was this guy telling me he is in town and would like to see me and catch up. Normally I would be excited to see someone I had not seen in years, but not this guy. I tried everything in my will to avoid hanging out with him, and then I got my (what I thought) golden ticket out of this.A friend called and needed a ride from where she lives (about 45 minutes north of Vancouver) so I agreed to go pick her up in exchange for gas money and sushi. When buddy finally called me back from the same unknown number he had called from the previous times, the first thing I said was “shit man, I completely forgot I agreed to pick up a friend from out-of-town” in which he replies with, “No worries man I don’t mind going for the drive”…
Now, where in that do I actually invite him along? I don’t!
He proceeds to call me every 20 or so minutes to find out where I am and what time I will be picking him up. I ignore the phone a few times and finally I answer and agree to pick him up and bring him along for the drive…
How I came to think that was a good idea I will never know.
The reason I never really liked him is because I could never agree with his morals. I would never hold it against him or be one to judge him on it, I simply just choose to not be around people like him. When we worked together, he would sneak out and drive to the liquor store so he could get “lunch.” He would drive drunk and not admit to it until I finally caught him in the act. He would steal, he would con people and stores for money, he would walk into a grocery store with 60 bucks made up of 5 and 10 dollar bills, and some how walk out with 4 or 5 times that amount. He would do things like this everyday, 2,3, 4 times a day. He would do it while he was with me and sometimes he would just tuck out from the job site to ” go use the bathroom at the mall” and he would often come back with lunch for two and some cd’s or whatever. He would always buy me stuff, I assume so I would keep my mouth shut, but I was never accepting of his “gifts”
One day he called me up and said our boss had called him and said we didnt have work that day, I found this weird, but being a monday and our boss being the way he was, I believe him, I had no reason not to. He then asks me if I want to go for a beer and I accept his invite and meet him downtown for a beer. After a couple of rounds we decided to leave the little Granville Street establishment and head to a bar underneath a youth hostel, where we might find a more exciting crowd to party with. Well when he said party, we didn’t share the same definition of party. My idea was to drink cheap draft beer while listening to great rock music under the same roof of some like minded people. His was, taking a cab to the east side of downtown and smoking crack in an alley way with some dude he found to buy it off. He was even kind enough to offer to buy me a rock.. like wtf.. i was young and dumb.. but i am not a fuckin idiot.. so I walk away angry, he eventually catches up says he is sorry and I told him I couldn’t hang out with someone who is going to be doing that shit, I just don’t agree with it. He says he understands and doesn’t know why he did it. So we carry on with our day, running into a bunch of my friends at the bar we eventually part ways. It wasnt long after this that I quit my job to never see him again.

Needless to say, I have all the reasons to not ever want to see this guy again.
Like I said, I have no idea how I decided I would see him.. I guess he added the pressure, likely knowing what he was doing. Knowing all that I know of his past, I was certain he was up to something and wanted me to help him out.. He knows I am a nice guy and it is almost a fault of mine that I have troubles saying no to people, especially when they are in dire need.
Slightly afraid of what might happen, I pick him up and we carry on with the drive to get my friend.
At one point during the drive I started to feel really unsafe and got full of fear and anxiety, but I was on a highway on the side of a mountain with the ocean on the other side of me and there was nothing I could do except pray for a safe return. I carry a conversation until we reach our destination and meet my friend. She was not impressed that I had brought him along, but I had no time to explain the whole situation so she went along with it. For the entire drive back I thought long and hard on how I could get rid of this man, so I told a few lies and still nothing would work. He was persistent on hanging out with me. We finally get back down town and stop in at the Amsterdam cafe for a smoke and to give him some time to figure out what he was doing. He didn’t try to do anything. He kept telling me he had no money, no phone and nowhere to stay.. and it came.. he asked me to help him out, he wanted to stay with me, he wanted money.. and i had nothing for him. I told him over and over I had no money to spare(which is true) and that my room mates would not approve of me having a guest sleep on the sofa ( also true, but they are not even home this weekend so it wouldn’t have mattered). Finally after going in circles and repeating myself a thousand times ( and I HATE repeating myself) he finally realized I was not going to give in and he has to figure this one out on his own. So he asks to use my phone, in which he never actually dialed a number as I looked, but he walked away and faked a phone conversation and then came back and asked me to drive him 5 minutes away to the west end. So I did… and he was gone… but as he left he promised to call tomorrow… cause I will be soooo upset if he doesn’t…. fuck.

Now the worst part was, not long after I got rid of him we decide to go for sushi(at midnight none the less) close to where we dropped him off and I had this feeling that he was still in the car and he was listening to everything I was saying, he left the weirdest energy in me, it drained me and I began to feel guilty for not helping. I felt bad that some one was potentially sleeping on the street because i chose to not help them.. it shouldnt be that way.. this man is a criminal, and from what I saw today, he is running from something or someone.. at one point I feared my life may be in danger and there I was, eating a spicy tuna roll, feeling guilty.

what the eff is wrong with me

southern nevada-fall 09

salt lake city-fall 2009


6 thoughts on “…hihohihoitsofftoworkwego…

  1. Babe, you are way too nice. This guy sounds like a whole lotta trouble YOU don’t need! His previous habits are likely still in place and the reasons he is where he is in life is probably because of that. Seriously, when he calls, if you answer, just be flat out bluntly honest OR just hang up. You’ve done good for so many people hun, one person who doesn’t deserve it and who makes you feel that uneasy isn’t worth it and won’t ruin your track record 😉
    You have a lot of love to give and need only give it to the good people in your life. Karma baby!

  2. you should not feel guilty at all. your “buddy” is at a point in his life where its time to make a choice to keep doing what he is doing or change. Maybe he is at his rock bottom. In not helping him you ARE helping him. I know that sounds f’d up and maybe doesn’t make sense but the reality is he is the only one who can help himself. You are helping him to learn that. I’d like to consider myself a nice person as well and as a nice person I have to tell you that if I were in the same position as you had been, I would have done the same thing. Chin up. Maybe someday you will get a call from “buddy” thanking you for giving him a ride and nothing more because it helped him to realize he needed to change his life.

  3. I think you did the right thing, and the only thing you could do. You don’t need people like that in your life who could bring you down. It sucks having to turn your back and walk away, but I’m sure there was some reason why he came back into your life today. Weather that be as a reminder of why you dropped him in the first place or whatever, everything happens for a reason. And just as Sam said, Karma baby! What goes around, comes around.

    and p.s. that Nevada photo is beautiful!

  4. Don’t feel guilty. it is a good thing to want to help others but never at the risk of your own safety. I can understand not wanting to associate your self with people who choose to do things that you feel are wrong you have to stay true to your self

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