… and it goes a little something like this…
I am sitting in the lobby of the Abraham Lincoln hotel in Springfield, Illinois.. Well there is not a lot to do in this town, it is a pretty little place and it is nice to be somewhere that is not constantly moving.. for the first time in a while I don’t have to be anywhere by a certain time, I have no one to answer to, and I do not have a million people wanting a million different things all at the same time. With that said, the silence is kind of lonely.. almost haunting, but i know if I do not enjoy it now I will be upset with myself later, when all i want is five minutes to myself.
A lot of people have asked me why i have chosen Springfield as a place to come to and relax, and really, it is the only small town that is not to small that i know anyone in. Infact, I really only know one person here…and she makes my world go round.
So, to everyone who has asked me why i am here, there is your answer..
There is a lot going on in my life right now… I am far beyond confused at the moment.. I have mixed feelings inside and none of them I can identify with right now. I want to feel a certain way, but I am afraid to let go of what I have, even though I know in the long run it is for the better.
I have built these walls around me over the last year and a half, and I have learned to be strong again, something I thought would never happen, and some how I am forgetting how to be right now. Someone told me yesterday that my biggest weakness is beating myself up when i fail, or when i think I am failing. Instead of taking a step back and finding a new approach to whatever the situation may be i just get angry and fuck shit up for myself.. I don’t know how to change that and it bothers me.. it is something i have done my entire life, and i have been aware of it, and at the same time just ignored the fact that, that is who I am.. Quite frankly I think it is easily fixable, but it is the only way I know right now and shit like that just doesn’t change over night.. it is something i have to work for and i am well aware of this.
For some reason, I feel far from rested
i feel anxious
i feel tense
i am nervous
i am confused
i am tired of thinking
but i cannot seem to turn my brain off…
Some days, being on the road is the hardest thing in the world, but then i think of the alternative and it scares the living shit out of me.. I do not care to be back in Vancouver right now.. in fact, that is the last place i want to be… i would heavily consider a change in career paths, but it would take something special in order for that to happen.
I think i know what i want, and i do not know how to obtain it, then again, i said that three years ago, and look where it got me..
i fought so hard for something i believed in, and it kicked me in the ass.
I am afraid
i feel as though i live life in fear.. but i dont even know what i am afraid of..
i guess that is all for now…
kevin martin is my muse.
I miss you now and
Hey, I can’t wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh they’ll never get old
All the stories you told
From the beach to the ring
To the songs of your soul
How I miss you
i miss you…